Have you ever found yourself planning an activity for the kids, but really, the activity is for you? I have lost count of the number of times we’ve created nature mandalas or made playdough, not just for the kids’ amusement, but also for mine.
In today’s connection musing, we’ll look at how to set up intentional habits to fill your cup at the same time as playing and connecting with your children.
How can we fill our cups AND connect with our kids at the same time?
As mums, we’re often busy and bound. Or at least it can seem that way a great deal of the time, especially with young children. Speaking personally, while I’d love to have more opportunity to connect in with myself, time and space can be lacking.
This is true for many of us. Sometimes it seems we only get to connect in with ourselves during those precious hours when the children are sleeping. Yet that coveted timeslot often gets filled with other conflicting obligations, and taking care of ourselves can be put to the bottom of the list.
If the opportunity to connect with ourselves is scarce, how can we use the time we do have available? That is, can we boldly and consciously utilise the time we have with our children to spend quality time with ourselves too?
When this line of questioning started, the questions kept coming:
What if we carve out quality, meaningful time with our kids doing things we thoroughly enjoy and they enjoy too?
What if we can be truly mindful, present and conscious in that experience?
What if this experience fills our cup just as much as it fills theirs?
The answers, dear ones, becomes a winning recipe for connection.
Setting an intention of connection
This isn’t a radical new idea. If I did a quick survey, I’m sure most of you would say you enjoy being with and spending time with the kids.
The distinction here, is to set an intention. To actively seek activities that are not only interesting to your children, but interesting to you also. To look for opportunities to turn mundane, everyday activities into an opportunity to connect.
Connecting in with what fills your cup is a personal thing – each of us have different interests and joy-centres. To help start the process of intentional connection, here are some questions you might wish to ask yourself:
What does my family enjoy doing?
This should be an easy one, as no doubt you have a ready list to rattle off. For example, in my family, we love bush walking and being in nature, going to the beach or the nearby reservoir, playing board games, eating delicious food, going to the art gallery, and so on.
To go even further, dig into the underlying reason / feeling behind that activity. For example, if you listed down that you love going to watch the footy, maybe this is because it instils a sense of tradition and belonging. For us, being in nature instils a feeling of groundedness and connection.
What feelings are you seeking in your alone time?
How can you access those feeling while being with your kids?
Before having kids I had gypsy-vibes. I didn’t stay anywhere very long, as my itchy feet always longed for a new adventure. However, when my son was born, I felt a need for grounding and putting down roots – so we settled in Brisbane and purchased a house in a leafy suburb next to the national park.
Over the years, however, a longing for adventure keeps calling, and lately it’s been calling loudly. In these moments, to ‘be me’, I am seeking a feeling of adventure.
So, it was a marvellous thing when we stumbled across geocaching, which is a treasure hunt for adults and children alike. It involves using an app and navigational skills to search for caches hidden by fellow geocachers in urban and natural places all over the place.
Geocaching is something the whole family enjoys immensely. It satisfies my need for adventure as it exposes us to new places we didn’t know existed. It’s interesting, requires lateral thinking and problem solving. Plus, there is often a treasure to seek at the end, which the children love.
So now you understand what I mean by the question, have a think about it for yourself. What are some of the feelings you seek in your alone time or are craving (e.g. freedom, movement, adventure, relaxation, invigoration, intellect, social connection, etc.) and how is it possible to tap into and meet those needs while being with your kids?
What aspect of your daily routine can you turn into an activity for connection?
Each day we all tackle the mundane activities that are necessary to live a hygienic, healthy, orderly and uncluttered life. For example, doing the groceries, cooking, tidying up, cleaning, washing dishes and clothes.
What if we set an intention to enjoy these activities and foster connection with ourselves and our children at the same time?
What if you mindfully wash the dishes – really noticing each utensil, each pot, each plate and clean with love and care? And what if at the same time, you set up a bowl of soapy water for your child to wash up their own cup and dishes? This is something incorporated in Montessori and Steiner playgroups and schools, as they find children take pride in washing their own dishes.
Another idea is hanging out the laundry. What if your child can sort the pegs into different colours while you mindfully peg out the clothes? Or what if they hold the pegs, and you ask for the corresponding number of pegs that you need?
Or what about cooking? I find cooking is a terrific way to tap into feelings and need for creativity. My children enjoy getting involved in various degrees – from reading instructions, peeling, cutting, stirring and timing (age-appropriate tasks of course).
You might have noticed in the above examples, that not only do our everyday routine tasks form opportunities for connection, they also form opportunities for life lessons, numeracy and literacy, fine and gross motor skills and much more.
What I’ve learned about intentional self and family connection
While exploring and playing with this conscious connection approach, I’ve learnt a few things along the way.
Connecting in with ourselves is accessible anytime, anywhere.
We’re often fed self-care messages that to fill our cup we need to relax by ourselves in a warm bath or go to a yoga class. Yet there’s a myriad of opportunities to fill our cup in our everyday life with kids. It doesn’t need a dedicated place or time.
Take playfulness, for example. It’s something that adults can struggle with yet is an essential part of our health. When we laugh and have fun, we relax and release stress hormones. There is no one more qualified to teach and remind us about playfulness than our children, and they love the chance to connect.
Let go of any expectations for the activity and the need for perfection.
Sometimes I come up with an activity or plan an outing that I think will bring us all joy. Unconsciously I set expectations about what might happen, or what the end result might look like. During the activity, the kids might lose interest, or might have another idea about how the activity should go. My first reaction invariably is to get annoyed or frustrated and I might try to steer the situation back to the pathway I had planned.
During those times, its helpful to be a witness to my feelings and remember the intention behind the activity – which was to provide an opportunity to connect back into myself while connecting with the children. Remembering this intention helps me to enjoy the new direction.
It’s OK if the experience is short-lived.
It’s quality not quantity. I know when going into an activity that it may not last for long and the kids will likely lose interest sooner rather than later. So, I try to really soak up the experience during that short time.
Sometimes I find it beneficial that the children go off and play with something else, as it leaves me with time and space to finish off the thing myself. This provides an opportunity for some self-connection time and peace and quiet. I just need to remember to stay in that connected vibe and enjoy the creative process, as it can be easy to fall into the frustrated mode that the kids have lost interest and it’s up to me to do the work, again.
It truly is possible to fill your cup while also filling your children's cup too.
Having an intention of self-connection while connecting with your children is such a wonderful thing. It can be transformative – shifting awareness and intention from routine to conscious connection.
If you have ideas to share about how you fill your cup while connecting with your children, make sure to share on our social accounts.
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Connection Compass acknowledges the Turrbal and Jagara people, the Traditional Custodians of the land on which we work, live, and gather. We pay our respect to Elders past, present and emerging, and draw inspiration from their connection to Country, community and spirit.
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