13 years of being a mother: 13 things I’ve learned about connection
September 17, 2025
I started writing this five years ago when my son turned eight and we had a weekend away at the Gold Coast. Underestimating how long it would take to write; it got left in the vault of unfinished blogs. Today, I’m writing from our leafy suburb, finally finishing the piece and adding the lessons I’ve learnt since.
I’m typing this on the 26th floor of a ‘holiday house’ (as my kids call it), looking out over Surfers Paradise beach. The door is open, the breeze rushes in, and the uninterrupted ocean view keeps pulling my attention away from my laptop. Just as the waves roll in, so too do the memories.
Thirteen years ago today, I became a mother. My son was unceremoniously plucked from my sliced-open womb and placed in my waiting arms. His little features are etched in my mind forever – his wrinkled fingers, puffy face and mop of black hair. I softly traced his face with my fingers, whispering, ‘Hi, I’m your mummy.’ Life as I knew it changed, and it would never be the same.
It feels like both a lifetime ago and the blink of an eye. As my son builds his newly acquired LEGO, I feel drawn to put into words the lessons on connection these years have taught me.
Lesson 1: Connection to self comes and goes like the seasons
Nothing has pushed the illusion of self to the forefront like motherhood has. At times, I’ve felt the intense knowing of who I was and the role I was meant to play in this world. At other times, I’ve felt utterly lost and disconnected.
Patterns emerged: disconnection with myself after birth as the “mother me” took the lead, followed by reawakening as things settled. There’s been a push and pull of “who am I” as the seasons of parenting change, but over time I’ve learnt to go inwards through meditation and self-connection activities (I call them Reconnection Rituals).
Lesson 2: Balancing life with our children’s need for connection isn’t simple
Humans are hardwired for connection, and our little humans even more so. Attunement and attachment lay the foundation for healthy long-term emotional development. It sounds simple: to connect, play and be present with our children. But I’m not going to lie, it’s not always easy. Figuring out being present and connected, while juggling work, household responsibilities and everything else, is an ongoing endeavour.
My mantra has become: I am doing the best that I can with the resources I have right now.
Lesson 3: The day-to-day with family is the spiritual journey
I would describe myself as a spiritual person, and my journey has evolved from the external candles, incense, crystals (things I still adore for their beauty) to doing the inner work. A realisation has emerged in recent years: the ins and outs of family life is the spiritual journey.
No one presses our buttons like family, but this is a gift. Being triggered is an invitation to become more self-aware and inquire into our triggers and thoughts, releasing them and realigning with our Higher Self. When we learn these important life skills, we’re better equipped to role model and pass these skills to our children as ways to cope with life’s upsets.
Even the mundane and routine of day-to-day family life presents opportunity for spirit connection: there is a real magic in finding joy, simplicity and beauty in the mundane.
The more we accept the daily invitation for connection – through the triggers and tantrums as well as the laughter and joyful milestones – the more we learn about and role model love, happiness, compassion, empathy, forgiveness and gratitude.
Lesson 4: My phone dependency comes at a cost
This one stings. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve picked up my phone “just to look something up” and ended up down a rabbit hole, attention stolen from my kids. I know I’m not alone, and I know these devices are designed to reward us with dopamine hit after dopamine hit, hooking us in.
The message my kids receive when my attention drifts to a screen breaks my heart. To help keep presence and connection, I’ve taken practical steps: no socials on my phone, time caps on messaging apps, and a mantra to snap out of mindless scrolling: Nothing I find on social media is as interesting or important as my children.
Lesson 5: Change – fight it or go with the flow
Parenting requires finding comfort amongst constant change. Just as you adjust to one phase, the next arrives. It’s like being in a canoe on a fast-moving river: you can either paddle madly and fight the current or simply lift the oar and move with the flow.
It doesn’t mean the shifts aren’t painful or hard (currently I’m grieving that my son doesn’t volunteer cuddles like he used to). But with time and experience, I’ve learnt to settle into the change through trusting mine and my husband’s intuition and capabilities. Plus, I’ve learnt to trust that I’ll find the support needed with each new change.
Lesson 6: I can fill my cup and my children’s at the same time
For much of this journey, it’s been me and the kids, without the support of nearby family or a predictable routine. What I’ve learned is that connection itself can be restorative. I don’t always need to step away for “me-time” – sometimes the most soul-filling moments come when we find ways to fill our cups together.
“Zen-dough” was one example – homemade playdough with soothing colours and scents. I loved the creativity – mixing different essential oils and scented pantry items – and the benefits of sensory play while zoning out in a daydream. My sons loved the creative play.
Other win-wins included going for walks in nature (exercise and the healing vibes of nature – both proven to reduce stress), collecting seedpods, leaves and flowers to create mandalas (mindfulness). Or blowing bubbles (hello, calming parasympathetic system).
Lesson 7: My village has my back – and I have theirs
Everyone’s village looks different. Our extended family lives in other cities and countries, so our village is comprised of our neighbours and friends. Just yesterday, feeling stressed to the max, I ran into my neighbour at soccer training, who was also at his limit. We exchanged a hug, shared our feelings, listened to and encouraged each other. Our families have become support systems. When our blood relatives aren’t nearby, the village we create can be just as real.
Lesson 8: Connecting with something bigger brings perspective
Perspective! Another saving grace when caught in the grind of family, and heaviness that comes with juggling financial, social, work, school, sport obligations.
Taking time out to connect with something bigger than me, for example, being present during the 30-minute school run to notice wind in the trees, mountains in the distance, a radiant display of flowers. By shifting perspective from the day-to-day worries and busy schedules, I open myself up to genuine appreciation.
I move out of past regrets and future worries, into the present. My mantra: Just as the sun rises and sets, all will be OK.
Lesson 9: Parenting is awe-inspiring
During the last 13 years, I’ve been awe-struck time and again at how funny, creative, talented and capable my children are. These little beings may have been born from us, but they are completely their own people and witnessing them come into their own uniqueness is such a joyful and rewarding experience.
The awe is not limited to the children, but also to the heights my husband and I have risen to (and the trenches we’ve climbed out of on the difficult days) in our role as parents. I’m awestruck in the miracle of conception, my body’s ability to grow, birth and then nourish a baby. I’m awestruck at our capabilities to keep learning and growing. Truly, that life has even presented the opportunity for this journey fills me with awe and wonder.
Lesson 10: Nature brings us back to calm
Nature is a wonderful way to reset our emotional states back to calm. Several years back, I ran Baby Bushwalks for mums, bubs and small children. We started our walks in circle, sharing a word or two about how we felt. Words like “frazzled” or “stressed” usually came up. At the end of our walk, those words shifted to “calm” and “energised”.
Nature’s sights, smells and sounds are documented to reconnect us to ourselves and others.
Lesson 11: Relationships are tested – but connection is possible
There’s nothing quite like the throes of parenting to highlight cracks in relationships. Our children’s needs often come first, making it difficult to summon time and energy required for connection. Plus, when our partner doesn’t act or do things in the way we are expecting, it can be trigger city!
Respectful listening, starting difficult conversations with Brene Brown’s powerful question: “The story I’m telling myself is…”, and snatching opportunities when they arise for coffee or lunch dates has been helpful.
For me, Byron Katie’s book, I Need Your Love, Is It True? was a game-changer in learning how to face triggers, let go of expectations and focus on my own “business”.
(It would be remiss not to put a little disclaimer here that if you’re in an abusive relationship, help can be found here.)
Lesson 12: Tomorrow is a new day
As we enter the teenage years, new buttons are pressed. Sometimes I mess up – reacting from my survival mind instead of my heart-space. But that’s OK. It’s an opportunity to model apology, accountability and vulnerability. Humans are imperfect by nature, and every day is a new opportunity for connection.
Lesson 13: The days are long, but the years are short
In the moment parenting can feel all-encompassing and never-ending, yet the years disappear in a flash. Too many times to count I longed time and space to myself. Yet now the 13 year-old won’t hold my hand, volunteer cuddles or jump into bed for warmth.
With my youngest, I now hold his hugs a little longer, reframe my thoughts when he’s hanging off my arm and irritation rises up. A new wave of love and patience washes over, as I now understand it’s short-lived and will be missed when the inevitable pulling back phase begins.
Final word – parenting is rewarding but it’s OK to not love every moment
It’s now time to pick my birthday boy up from school. So, my final word is, while parenting is one of the most meaningful and rewarding things you can ever do, it’s OK to not love every moment. It can be hard. It pushes buttons. It mirrors things we don’t want to face.
But that’s the point. As I said in Lesson 3 – the day-to-day of family life is the spiritual journey.
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Connection Compass acknowledges the Turrbal and Jagara people, the Traditional Custodians of the land on which we work, live, and gather. We pay our respect to Elders past, present and emerging, and draw inspiration from their connection to Country, community and spirit.
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