How To End The Tug-o-War Inside Yourself

Do you ever feel pulled in two directions inside yourself – like a quiet tug-of-war between what you want and the thoughts that hold you back? 

This inner tension is more common than we realise. It often shows up when something matters to us – when we’re moving toward something meaningful, and uncertainty begins to surface alongside it.

And so, when you feel this tug-of-war tension in your life, it’s often a sign that different parts of you are pulling for attention – not that something is wrong.

You may desire something – to write a book, run a business, exercise more, or step into a new opportunity. So you take small steps toward that desire, and then an all-too-familiar tension appears.

The not enough tension – the one that pulls you back just as you begin to move forward.

This tension often shows up as thoughts and feelings that question your capability:
Not successful enough.
Not serious enough.
Not disciplined enough.
Not smart enough.
Not ambitious enough.

Then something shifts. You remember moments that show your capability. Your effort. Your progress.
And once again, you feel drawn toward what matters to you.

When the inner tug-o-war begins

This back-and-forth is exhausting.

It can feel like you’re losing your bearings – unsure which direction to trust.

You may wonder, at times, if this game will ever end. I know those thoughts certainly come up for me. Some of my strongest desires hit up against equally-strong, longtime limiting thoughts, and it can feel like I’ve been playing tug-o-war for decades.

(If you feel like you’re alone in this game of tug-o-war – I have news for you. You’re not alone. Having witnessed the inner workings of many people’s minds, you’re in good company!)

Finding steadiness in the tug-o-war

Lately I have pondered what relief from this tug-o-war tension looks like, and realised I longed for the feeling of inner peace. I wanted equilibrium – to be in the middle – to be balanced.

Yet, I realised that equilibrium would mean being stuck in a place between not enough and enough.

Where I wanted to be was fully and squarely on one side of the tug-o-war. And that side was to be, feel and know that I am enough.

Yet, I am enough and so are you.

Reaching that place of steadiness is possible, but it may take a different approach to what you may expect. 

It has been said that you can’t solve a problem using the same mind that created it. And when it comes to releasing our limiting beliefs, that also holds true. It is difficult to talk yourself out of a belief, as you can fall into that battle again between two opposing thoughts.

Instead, you can look to reconnect with what steadies you.

Returning to your reference points

A great place to start is by creating moments of stillness – spaces where you can reconnect with what steadies you beneath the noise of competing words. 

When I sit in stillness and gently release the noise, a feeling of constancy, enoughness and stability washes over me. I can see clearer. I feel a sense of peace. 

Often I’m able to access my higher self while in nature. Or when I am listening to beautiful music and let my body move through it’s own impulses rather than being guided by my mind.

You may already know how to reconnect with what steadies you. My husband finds steadiness while running, climbing or playing instruments. These activities require a presence of mind and focus for him. 

Other people find steadiness when creating art, or connecting with people they love.

You may have heard people describing their stress-relieving interests in this way.

When life feels like a tug-of-war, it’s often a sign that you’ve lost your bearings – not that something is wrong with you.

Reconnecting with simple reference points – within yourself, in nature, with others, or through meaning – helps you find your way back to clarity.

What helps you find your way back?

Take a moment to reflect on what helps you reconnect when your thoughts feel like a tug-of-war.

Is it time in nature?
Stillness?
Movement?
Music?
Conversation?

These are your reference points – the places you can return to when things feel unsettled.

If you only have one takeaway from this reflection it’s this: when things feel unsettled – and you are experiencing inner tension – you can return to what steadies you, and it’s more available than you may think. 

And each time you return, finding your way back becomes a little easier.